Updated May, 2014

This article was first published in 2001 in the now out-of-print magazine American Dommes.

It is a list of DOs and DONT’s for submissive clients.  There is some overlap with my article How To Make An Appointment With A Dominatrix, however, this article gives crucial detailed advice on how to interact with a Pro-Domme during the appointment. 

Of course, most of these tips would also apply anytime someone assumes the submissive role with a dominant whether in personal BDSM play or with a professional.


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      How to Behave In The Presence of A Pro-Domme

By Simone Justice - Updated May, 2014

If you are fortunate enough to be granted an audience with a professional dominatrix, be sure to follow my advice:

DON'T arrive unprepared:

  1. Carry out any assignments that she has given to you, with exacting precision.

  2. The importance of cleanliness cannot be overemphasized! So I will be graphic and specific on this point - Take a shower and shampoo your hair if not immediately before your appointment, then at least in the morning. Some dominatrices will let you shower or freshen up at their studio if you arrange to arrive early for that purpose. And wash your privates thoroughly, front and back, after every visit to the restroom (carry wetwipes if washing is inconvenient). Use an antiperspirant not a deodorant. Don’t eat a garlic-rich meal or raw onions for a day beforehand. Brush and floss your teeth and use mouthwash or chew gum. Wear clean clothes, especially clean underwear and socks.  Don’t wear cologne.  Do not omit any of these precautions.

  3. Take care not to arrive hungry, tired or in a bad mood. Eat, rest, clear your mind, and take a few moments to compose yourself beforehand.  Also, allowing time after the session is wise.  You may need time to wind down or you might want to extend the session or your session might start late.

DO bring the essentials:

  1. Give her a resume detailing your experience level, interests and limits.  Never bring a long detailed script of your fantasy, let the Mistress add her own elements.

  2. An offering such as flowers, a card, wine, candles, or a small BDSM toy shows respect.

  3. Have exact change. Extra cash for a tip or extending is smart. Many Mistresses take credit cards but be sure to inquire ahead of time.

DON'T make a bad first impression:

  1. Be on time. Early is just as wrong as late.

  2. Set the tone for the session from the beginning with politeness and obedience.

  3. If a receptionist answers the door or the dominatrix greets you in her street clothes, don’t be thrown off, understand that your session hasn’t yet begun.

  4. Discretion is paramount. Don't address her as "Mistress" in public, don't kneel outside her door or say or do anything else obvious to tip off the neighbors.

  5. Experienced clients expect to wait for dominatrices, be very patient.

DO make a good start:

  1. Take care of the money immediately. Do not let her ask you for it.

  2. Pressing her to agree to illegal activities such as anal play, piercing or toilet training is foolish and risky because she will need to protect herself, even if she does those activities.  Pushiness is a sure path to banishment.

  3. Let her ask questions and gather information first, then be sure to speak up about your hopes for the scene.

  4. Don't expect special activities such as golden showers. Privileges must be earned.

  5. Overstating your experience or limits will not impress her; she will find out and be annoyed.

  6. And most importantly don't say things like "you can do anything with me" because an experienced dominatrix will then satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it.  Remember, her idea of extreme is something that she doesn’t get to do often even though for years she has played long hours daily.  Don’t tempt a highly experienced player to go extreme on you.

DON'T expect or even ask for, nudity or sex:

  1. She won't be taking off her clothes, dancing, massaging, or letting you kiss intimate body parts ­ find those services elsewhere (or try a dominatrix outside the U.S.).

  2. There will be no sex of any kind, at all, ever.  None.  Never.

DON'T ruin the session:

  1. Don't hesitate when given direction, immediately do what you are told.

  2. Make noises, it is entertaining, but never scream or cry out loudly without express allowance.  Dominatrices have ears.

  3. Speak up if pushed beyond your limits - a good Mistress will appreciate the input without being threatened.

  4. No touching without permission. Not even an slight brush of the shoulder, certainly not a handshake, kiss on the hand or hug.  Consider yourself warned that it is dangerous to touch a dominatrix.

  5. Don't make inappropriate remarks or suggestions, and don’t ask personal questions - remember your place.

  6. Have realistic expectations. Know that the session will not perfectly match your fantasies, but if you are open to her, you might find she can change your fantasies, as a skillful dominatrix will mold clients to fit herself.

DO be the perfect submissive:

  1. Give up your power. Trust her to remember your requests. Let her run the session.

  2. Get down on your hands and knees before her.

  3. Keep your eyes downcast.

  4. Always address her as "Mistress" or whatever title she prefers.

  5. Ask for permission before speaking.  Say “Mistress, may I speak?”

  6. Enthusiastically kiss her boot or whatever else she presents for worship.

  7. Crawling is the only acceptable form of locomotion.

  8. Stay aware of your own limits during play. Don't try to impress by surpassing your limits, instead stand out by helping her to learn your boundaries.  A qualified Mistress will want to use this information to train you.

  9. Monitor your circulation during bondage to prevent nerve damage. If your extremities tingle, go numb or feel cold - let her know.

  10. Tell her if you feel faint or woozy.  Experienced dominatrices will leave time at the end of an intense session and use techniques to bring you back physically, emotionally and mentally before you leave, it is an important responsibility that all skilled dominants take seriously.  Let her know if you are too high to safely leave, she will understand and help you.  Listen if she decides you are too high to drive.  

  11. Thank her for anything and everything she does.

DO get invited back:

  1. It is best to wait to formulate your impression of the session...you may like it better after a few days.  Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, disliked during, and relished afterwards. That is a part of masochism ­ doing things that you don't like. Therefore, don't ruin your chances of returning by acting unhappy or moping at the end of the session.

  2. Help her to clean up, disinfect and put away toys, offer to take the trash with you and put it in the dumpster on the way out.

  3. After a session you will feel so high that you could easily float out the door so be sure to demonstrate your gratitude before you leave ­ tell her how great the session was and that you hope to see her again.

  4. If she works in a house of domination, tip her. She only gets a percentage.

  5. Tipping an independent dominatrix or the HeadMistress of a house is not necessary. However, if the play was amazing, go ahead, a tip is quite special and will show her how much you liked the session.

  6. Understand that she may have another client waiting so don't hang around gabbing; she doesn’t want to have to tell you about her next client.

  7. Call her later or send an email that tells her briefly what you liked about the session and that you hope she will permit you to serve her again.

Of course, these are all simply suggestions, each Mistress has her own preferences but any professional dominatrix will certainly be glad to further train a submissive who shows promise by following these rules of protocol.